buh-wha: year 5?!
this was the year i stopped, and then started again. there were some demons wrestled, some truths faced, admissions made, and some growth. it hasn't been easy, but i'm still here, and i don't see myself stopping again.
March 29, 2008
March 26, 2008
pressure valve
I am feeling bottled up lately; there are things missing and other things that haven't filled the void, people who I miss being tired of, and a general lack of a lot of people who I used to be in constant contact with, whose tangents have run in directions away from mine.
I am a sad panda, but not in the way I used to be.
March 18, 2008
glowing young ruffian
been thinking about space, again. spurred partially by Spook Country and its locative art phenomena - a response, presumably to the rise of ubiquitous computing [cue Vanessa, "Damn, girl, you biquitous!"] and so, the ability to access anything from anywhere becomes pared down again to being able to access certain things only in certain places; although the data floats freely, it only coalesces on specific spaces, dowsed out by the forked stick of GPS and EV-DO (or EDGE or HSPDA or whatever). I don't know if it's feasible, but it served as a bit of a starting and focal point for two separate trains of thought. (sidenote: it's a quick read if you haven't read it already, and you can borrow mine if you really want [paperback is probably due soon])
first: Entertaining idle thoughts about spaces and tags (graffiti and folksonomical), I ended up walking by SPEC, where I had the comedy-of-errors interview which led to me spending the afternoon on Kits beach, reading and eating Thai food and watching Jamie Bamber (aka Apollo) idly run by. Passing that, I hit the corner of Maple and 4th; across the street is the site of the post-ACF-12-cleanup dinner at Los Margaritas, down the street was Zulu Records, where I picked up the infamous Squarepusher ticket, and nearby was gravitypope, site of my temporary obsession with Medium Shoes (now, sadly, out of business).
There are a lot of places that each carry their own space/time association, and while they're largely welcome (and informative when they're not) they're largely inescapable for me, especially in the city.
There's a map in the comic Fun Home that lays out a characters life - born here, grew up there, died in this spot, and all within a relatively small number of miles of the same town. It's a fictional character, but it seems so plausible, and it's not a map I want to be trapped by, posthumously. It seems likely on some days more than others, and somehow it is both enticing and repellent; possibly reflective of a divided outlook on risks vs security or tied to the strangely logical notion of a fear of success (more on this later).
Either way, I have come to the conclusion that I want to markup another city; in the sense of extensible languages and not paint markers; I imagine it wouldn't be too hard given GPS-enabled cellphones and cameras; if cameras have become embedded in other technologies (of dubious quality most times, but not always) then GPS might not be far behind. Of course, given the space-bound (!) backbone required for GPS to make any sense, the location-via-cell-tower method could be a more usable stand-in.
fuck me, I'm rambling. Point was: I think I invest too much of my identity in civics; although nobody wants to be from Surrey, leaving so much of myself in East Van and on campus was hugely unhealthy. I don't know how to fix it, short of self-redefinition and the gentle restoration of self-esteem, but I'm trying.
March 13, 2008
the steep approach
I'm drawing again, which I think is a big deal; it was pretty much the first thing to go post-SNRI and between that and the photography/HTMLing, I feel a lot closer to myself. The diet, while occasionally difficult to moderate, has so far adjusted well to the white flour and sugar removals; next step is to up the leafy/dark green veggies which shouldn't be too hard, especially if I keep remembering to take lunch and not get stuck eating downtown, which (obv) is terrible for me, unless I go to the make-your-own stirfry place (and that's frankly just sort of disappointing.)
Work sucks; I won't deny it. I'm well liked and the job is easy, but I need to GTFO, or as Dan Savage would say, DTMFJ.
School... is okay. I've been avoiding it and I need to stop doing so.
I miss people.
I am seeing some folks and have also made new(ish) friends via the Ubyssey/new AUS kids/UBC Insiders, it's not at all the same; maybe I actually am turning into a curmudgeon.
Fuck it. Time for Smash Bros.
March 05, 2008
Project Unfuck
I wanted an easy way out; some sort of colossal "Unfuck My Head" that would basically set things up so I could knock them down again - no panicking, no nonstarter status, no endless feelings being trapped by myself.
I got the first one, at least. As for the others, I came to realize that there might be more to this than I thought at first. There's no telling without visiting a proper shrink and getting a proper diagnosis as to whether I am just an enormous underachiever or if it's ADHD or something equally buzzwordy and ridiculous.
It came with a healthy dose of side effect, both physically (metabolism down, weird cravings up) and mentally (weird things to sex drive, no creativity) and generally wreaked havoc, with the only upside being that I felt in control of myself, again.
So I stopped. Tapered down, and realized that I spent a year and a half on pills that were helpful, but not a cure-all (though they were explained to me as such) and also that I needed to do this the hard way.
...which brings us here.
This marks a beginning, I think, of several things. The first of which is the abandonment of the mild superstition I have of writing things down here, because then they don't happen. The second is a concerted effort to make shorter-term goals and deadlines that are within a longer-term framework; I tend to do one without the other, which curtails effectiveness.The Longish Term Goals (end of year)
This month's short term goals:
wish me luck.
March 01, 2008
toes, dipping, waters, so on.
As Rob once pointed out, we default to talking about music now, when previously it would have been the weather; at least within the people I know (and like enough to regularly talk to). Accordingly, then, it would only make sense that I fall back on a music post as a reintroduction to the medium.
Thus: Five in Heavy Rotation - Post-Leap-Day edition.
It's five songs I've had on repeat, or I've been listening to in my head, or singing in the shower; heavy rotation doesn't always mean that it's in a form that is trackable via Last.fm. Here they are, and also a little bit about them.
Okkervil River Song - Okkervil River
Newest addition to my Okkervil River collection (surprising, I know) - I've listened to it six times in a day and will probably do so a couple more times until I know the words. I've heard it in podcasts, and once live, but it becomes something else when applied directly to the skull. It's a paean to unsustainable self-reliance (which a certain person has previously yelled at me over MSN about), lost love, and the importance of working towards dreams. Plus, it made me tear up a little the first time I heard it.
Racing Like a Pro - The National
For some reason, this album is tied tightly to my Murakami binge, and the weird alienation plus sub versus conscious mind motifs that the author loves carries through into this particular track. I love the palpable tension and the careful use of strings in the background. It's also a reminder to not settle, which was a New Year's resolution I made with Al, and probably the one I will end up keeping to more than the others.
Plus, for the longest time, I thought the chorus was "your mind is racing like a pronoun" which made no sense but appealed to me anyway.
Bitches in Tokyo - Stars
cross off all the ways I failed you
because I failed you
but I'm still in your blood
you're still on my blood.
[if you have to ask...]
Gouge Away - Mogwai (Pixies cover)
"Hey! You got Scottish post-rockers in my early-90s pre-grunge!" It's perfect; sludge and accents nailed to serious drums and Old Testament allusions.
Stella Was a Diver and She Was Always Down - Interpol
In Pattern Recognition, William Gibson writes about "psychological prophylaxis", or the act of restoring emotional normalcy by resuming daily tasks; it seems fitting that the act of reading the book (and listening to an album that I played while reading it the first of countless times) would act as a normalizer on my part.
Lately, though, this song makes me miss a trio of people, all of whom I have gone from functionally constant to now sporadic contact; two through circumstance and one through some sort of weird clean break on the other party's end.
At the end of the day, I guess there's nothing to do but wonder about ducks in faces at 240 knots and move on.
Downloads up here. It'll come down in two weeks.
I think, sometimes, I don't write because I don't want to augment future memories of this time; I'm not happy with a lot of things.
At the same time, it seems a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face and ultimately having a record of mistakes made and lessons learned would only be useful in the longer term.
I guess I'm back, then.
February 17, 2008
blow me, 2007!
better late than never, I guess.
time to relapse.
anywhoo: standard year end meme follows:
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Spent a full 12 months out of school, did only distance ed classes, got fired, temped, bought a DSLR, went to Sasquatch, went to a bunch of queer events, drank so much I blacked out, worked retail, bought a Mac.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and yes.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
The US.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
to move forward with the five-year plan. It really was a lot of decompression.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't be arsed.
Fair, birthday, New Years, telling my parents about drugs, MBP Day One, Sasquatch, V-Fest, Okkervil River... the day we killed the fair.
would I like to forget the summer? yes. will I? probably not.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being control, walking away, letting myself be helped.
9. What was your biggest failure?
There were a lot.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tossup: 30D/MBP
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
They know who they are.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
They know who they are, too.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Braces, mortgage, tuition, etc.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Music, restoration of sanity..
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Mistaken for Strangers - The National
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Saner.
b) thinner or fatter? Definitely fatter, working on it.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Admitting.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Commute, settling.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes. No. I'm confused.
Hold me?
22. How many one-night stands?
None.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Battlestar Galactica.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nobody new.
25. What was the best book you read?
Special Topics in Calamity Physics.
honorable mentions: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Kimberly Elam's Grid Systems and Typographic Systems.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The National, Battles, The Twilight Sad, Grizzly Bear.
27. What did you want and get?
Material stuff, space, etc.
28. What did you want and not get?
Material stuff, freedom.
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
No Country for Old Men.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
22: ACF Staff Dinner.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Stable neurochemistry.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I like sweaters.
33. What kept you sane?
Effexor, 150mg, once a day... at least it did until I stopped taking them, started again, and then tapered down.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Uh, most all of the cast of Battlestar Galactica.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I wasn't stirred a whole lot, in retrospect.
36. Who did you miss?
Most everyone. We seem to have grown up and apart.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Pretty much everyone at the Ubyssey but especially Brandon, Matt Hayles, Paul, and Kellan; Sean from temping @ Credential; Gary from Metafilter.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
This is worth fighting for.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
The National - Racing Like A Pro:
Your mind is racing like a pro, now
oh my god it doesn’t mean a lot to you
one time you were a glowing young ruffian
oh my god it was a million years ago
May 23, 2007
V-Fest, in Facebook Updates:
May 14
Gerald is router shopping. 12:09pm
May 15
Gerald is PAing at V-Fest. 10:22am
May 16
Gerald is back from the orthodontist. 11:19am
Gerald is still PAing at V-Fest. 7:33pm
May 17
Gerald is continuing to PA at VFest... now with pirate socks! 10:05am
May 18
Gerald is PAing... now with Tony Seaver! 9:36am
May 19
Gerald is PAing in the rain. 9:06am
Gerald is displeased with himself. 10:51pm
May 20
Gerald is PAing... doors in an hour! 12:06pm
Gerald is working with and/or basking in the presence of the main stage manager from Coachella. 6:28pm
Gerald is post-Guinness. 11:09pm
May 21
Gerald is overslept and grumpy. 9:06am
Gerald is testing wireless connections on T-Bird's upper field. 12:50pm
Gerald is fixing phone lines. 2:22pm
Gerald is eating a Spongebob popsicle, having fixed phone lines. 4:20pm
Gerald is le tired; show's over and now it's beginnings of teardown time. 10:33pm
Yesterday
Gerald is still at T-Bird; V-fest is all done but for the shouting. 10:56am
Today
Gerald is still tired after 14 hours of sleep. 1:51pm
---
It was a good first gig to have; I learned a lot and I can't say enough good things about a large number of people. As well, I think it's something I want to do more of... here's hoping.
April 25, 2007
so it's laundry day and I'm home alone.
thusly, I am sans pants. Don't judge, you know you'd either do it in my shoes or have done it already.
In any case, I saw the mail truck, and thought, "oh! I should go get the mail."
And promptly ran upstairs to grab my keys and head out.
I was literally one foot out the door before I remembered I wasn't wearing pants.
Faced with the decision to either put pants on or leave it until later, I opted to leave it; I remain pants- and mailless.
Whee!
April 16, 2007
last night
um. wow.
last night was more than a little ridiculous.
I got out of the house on the pretenses that I had a date with a girl; her name was Sara, she was in Forestry, we weren't really sure if we wanted this to go anywhere so we'd give dinner a shot and then I was going to go out with the gang and then crash at Gav's.
What was actually going down was that I was heading to Costa's, changing, going out for the ACF Staff Dinner, and then we were going out after that.
of course, what happens after then doesn't reaaaalllly matter, and so I will relay a couple conversations I had:
"hey Gerald can you tie my tie for me? it doesn't look right."
"sure, Corbett, I'm on it."
"yes! I know a gay."
[Corbett dances]
"do you have an 'i know a gay' dance?"
"maybe."
[after Sarah's iron spilt water]
"Sarah! i wet your bed!"
"dammit you, didn't you do a test patch?"
"...I thought that was hair dye."
"wait, you're right."
"damnit, I hate this tie. I want a nice thick one like yours."
"don't we all."
"well, except for Sarah."
"that would explain why she puts up with you."
"actually, it's why she doesn't like me so much."
[while attempting to tie corbett's tie for him]
"okay, there's no other way for you to do this than to stand behind me and reach around."
"...you want a reach-around? stupid low mirrors make this difficult. I wonder if Sarah's room is going to be any better."
"well, let's find out. Sarah! Gerald and I are going into your room and he's going to give me a reach-around!"
"Don't wet the bed!"
"na-ked! na-ked! na-ked!"
"this jacket is so soft. I don't want to let you go!"
"makes two of us."
"no, seriously."
"I was being serious."
shortly after the above conversation, pretty much the entire room decided that they needed to stroke my jacket. It was... endearing and awkward, neatly rolled into one.
and this was all before we got to the macaroni grill; the rest of the evening is up on facebook, but here's a drink tally for posterity:
2 shots Jager
2 Liquid Cocaines
2 Mystery Citrus Tequila Shots
1 Glenfiddich 12-year old
1 Irish Car Bomb
1 Jack and Coke
1 Mystery Shot (Butterscotch Schnapps + Kahlua)
That I didn't die is a minor miracle.
Anyways, there's a Birthday the Second for all my peeps who aren't on ACF Staff (and those who want to get ridiculous again), starting at the Mongolian BBQ on Broadway and Macdonald on the 27th at 7pm and then moving either to Honey for Mod Club, the beach, or the King's Head for a joint thing with C. Anderson.
Knowing us, though, something entirely different will happen.
April 13, 2007
eesh, or possibly hoo-ah
Looking back on four previous years of post-Fair-posts, it's interesting (to me, mostly) to remember my frame of mind when writing what I did, and also to reflect on what's ended up sticking from the past four.
Also, I've now worked five Fairs. Jesus.
All five have been on or heavily involved with ProdComm.
Two were spent on Upper Plaza (on a stage that no longer exists.)
One was backstage, running PMO.
Two were up in Control.
All five have had me wanting to be down on the field taking care of things as they occurred at some point during the day.
Two (point five; the year I did PMO I took some Control stuff off of Ari's hands) have been on Exec.
Three have been without my parent's knowledge or consent, which boggles my mind; why is it okay to spend the day drinking and the next day hung over and playing video games (as was this year's excuse) but to run the show and help with takedown (ie, what I was actually doing) is verboten? Whatever.
In any case, a list of ten conversations I had either on the day of, on the field, or in pre-Fair meetings and such:
- "Corbett to Control."
"Go for Control."
"I found a newt."
"Like, a salamander newt newt?"
"That's affirmative."
"I, uh... wow." - "Costa to Control, radio check."
"Loud and clear, Costa."
"GET THAT NIGGERFAGGOT OUT OF HERE!!"
"Corbett to all staff: Red card!!"
sidenote: see here - "Hi Mom. Yeah, I'm having fun. No, I haven't had too much to drink. I've been getting lots of water. After this? Probably to Graham's; that guitar game of his is pretty fun. Yes, I'll call before bed."
- Bock: "I'm Gerald. Blah blah blah I like men. Blah blah blah threats."
Gerald: "I'm Ian Bock. Blah blah blah I'm tall. Blah blah blah I quote Family Guy."
Gerald: "We may as well complete the trio. I'm Tyler. Blah blah blah I've absorbed Corbett's bitterness and Gerald's vulgarity."
Tyler: "Holy shit you're right! How did that happen?"
Gerald: "Osmosis."
Ian: "I can't get the gay that way, right?"
Gerald: "No, but we have shared drinks before..."
Ian: "Aw, fuck. - "Seriously, dude, what happened with this weather? What the hell did Tyler do?"
"I dunno... but I'm gonna cut their dick off when I find out."
"Uh... Corbett? Tyler's straight."
"Yeah, but it's fucking snowing in April. He must of gotten into some seriously kinky shit."
"Like what? Taking my humps too seriously and boning a camel?" - "What the fuck do you mean did I bone a camel? I've never fucking seen a camel in my life!"
"Look, T-Bone, all I'm saying is that it's snowing in April. I don't know what you got up to, but don't do it again."
"I. Didn't. Fuck. A Camel." - "What do you mean Corbett would break me? I'm bigger than he is!"
"Alright, Bock, let's put it this way. You're a husky; big and friendly and fun and probably good at pulling sleds in Alaska..."
"Yeah, definitely that last one."
"...but he's a badger, and if we were to say, stick you in a barrel as the metaphorical representation of your post-chloroform marriage, he's way more tenacious than you are and he has claws. And he's angry. Yeah, you're bigger but that doesn't matter to him."
"Well, now that you put it that way, I'm a little afraid of him."
"Understandable." - "You sir, are cruising for a defenestration."
"What does that even mean?"
"I will push you out the window."
"Oh. In that case, I'll be on the field from now on. Far away from windows." - "Get that niggerfaggot out of here!"
"Sarah. Jesus Christ, Sarah! What is wrong with you?! What if there were niggerfaggots around? How do you think they would feel? Seriously, you awful awful person." - "Die in a fire."
- "I love when people conform to stereotypes."
"What do you mean?"
"Turns out that the media guy was talking shit about me to anyone who would listen... including my assistant. It's a fag move."
"Yeah. Wow. That's pretty bad; I mean... I can't say it but I agree with you." - "Breaker Breaker this is Sam Roberts to Control."
"Go for Control, Sam."
"Hey, just wanted to say thanks for all your hard work; you guys did a great job and I had an awesome time."
"It was a pleasure to have you, Sam; you rocked the crowd pretty hard and it was a solid set."
"Thanks, buddy. You take care. Over and out."
"That's a big 10-4, Sam."
bonuses!
It's these silly one-off one liners and awful trash talking that I tend to take away from this; the experience and the relationships and the conversations re: being weirded out when Graham hugs you are also valuable, but it's the fact that I can walk up to about two thirds of the staff and drop "I heard what you said." and bring on endless fits of giggling is great.
It also occurs to me that I didn't touch on how awesome the staff is, the fact that I have nicknamed Virginia's little sister Balls (nickname and callsign.), matching aviators for A-Team that were then adopted by roughly half the girls on staff, the fact that John Hallen now knows my name, a first year that makes me look like a rank amateur when it comes to unflappability, and the fact that I apparently terrify people without meaning to.
Come find me, people; these stories require in-person transmissions.
April 05, 2007
point form
- didn't get little sister's job. Dunno if it was because I don't know ASP or I wasn't gay enough.
- shoe store sucks. manager had boxes dropped on her, was concussed. now that I think about it, it's a hugely unsafe workplace and I want out.
- ACF is about to take over. My parents either don't know, or haven't let on that they do. I'm either a spectacular liar, my parents are really that oblivious, or they're even better liars than I am.
- I wrote a safety plan. A full blown fucking safety plan, and yet I still can't tell them.
- Asking people what they want is a bad idea.
March 31, 2007
argh and/or bah.
you know it's not going to end well when your day starts off with putting contacts in backwards.
- anyway, a to-do:
- finish safety plan
- draft design for client
- put up sample work for Little Sister's
- get done in time to go out
bah.
March 30, 2007
the more things change...
...the more they stay the same.
This marks four years of blogging, of ups and downs recorded for some sort of posterity, and as much as I think sometimes that it's pointless and indulgent and wholly unnecessary, I've continued regardless and there're no signs of stopping -- maybe it is a good idea.
funnily, my problems remain pretty much the same: parents don't like me doing Fair, my sister drives me mad, I hate the bus, and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
there are new twists, but at the core, it makes me wonder if I have changed as much from my seventeen-year-old self as I like to think I have.
Anyway: onwards to Year Five. I hope it's better than Year Four was, because I really don't want to think about the alternative.
PS: leave a comment re: your favorite/most memorable post. I'm curious to see what you all say.
March 25, 2007
mwa-ha!
so I installed movable type... now, do I want to move all this content over there, or should I make it some sort of design-thoughts-only workblog?
March 18, 2007
open letter
Dear Movable Type,
I will install you, and then I will use you, and you will be the backbone of my website. There is no point in resisting with your silly 500 Errors - I will upload in your finicky ASCII-not-binary mode, and I will run your CGI scripts to ensure that my provider has the necessary perl scripts and then you will fall to me. There will be pwnage.
Simmering discontent,
Gerald
Addendum: one CHMOD, and that shit fell faster than Rome to the m-effing Vandals.
Post-Addendum: the cavalry seems to have arrived, in the form of a hash that doesn't match up. Not hash like the drug, but hash as in a code encoded from the contents of a file so that you know you've got the right file.
March 16, 2007
bah
Dad's here, standing behind me cleaning out his desk (for the third time this week; how he manages to accumulate so much that he seems to be throwing more out than ever doing anything is beyond me but that's a story for another time.)
unfortunately this means I can't work on the ACF Safety Plan, nor on the slightly more intensive ACF Disaster Plan that the Fire and Rescue guy (who, in retrospect, looked an awful lot like Horn-Rimmed-Glasses Man from Heroes) asked me for, and instead, I am going to go downstairs and play Wii when I'd rather not (shock!).
Also, this means that I have to carry the drafts around fairly carefully, as Corbett (badly) drew a penis on the cover page, with a little speech bubble that reads, "I'm Dicky!"
Don't get me wrong, I'm far from mad at Corbett, nor do I hate having to do the Safety/Disaster Plans (and along the same lines, the Comm Protocol) but that I'd like to be able to show my parents and work... publically and to say "I'm going to an All-Heads Meeting" and not "I'm going for coffee."
It's a lot of important work and that I have to do it so furtively is enraging, and I hate that I've become such a good liar as a result.
Anyway, time to go and do nothing when I should be doing something.
Fuck.
March 04, 2007
trial the second
after this chat:
me: i think i want to go for an almost 1700s-map feel
Spencer: that would be neat
with a squid consuming a ship
me: with sort of a parchment tone to the backgrounds, sIFR'd fonts that look like they came out of an actual press, and yeah, menacing-ass squid.
I freehanded another attempt in flash:
thoughts?
March 02, 2007
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