May 14, 2005


it's a lot of things at once, that would be better if I could deal with them separately but can't.

down the rabbit hole

  1. quarter-life crisis. coupled with all the reading I'm doing forequity, things just got a whole lot more complex.
  2. my sister's moved in. permanently.
  3. 4 jobs + 2 classes is doable but unsustainable and I don't know what to cut.
I don't know where to start. I guess #1 would be a good place.
  1. "I'm 20. Who am I? What have I done? etc." - this, I assume, is a typical thing to go through, but coupled with the books I'm reading on various things I have to know for Equity, I'm seeing parts of myself that I'd never really considered, well, parts of myself that I should probably look at integrating into this ideal holistic self-vision which would leave me feeling a little better about the world because I have some idea of a starting point. Instead, though, I'm delving into
    books on biculturalism and identity formation and development of ethnic identity, and finding that:
    1. there's more of me than I thought - I am a lot of things to a lot of people, and sometimes I forget some of those things and people.
    2. I developed backwards to most of these case studies, and am genuinely curious as to how it affected me; I went to a diverse elementary school, then an almost homogenous high school, and then university which is somewhere in between, which as far as I can tell left me far healthier than most, but at what cost?
    3. I can't make everyone happy. Who do I screw?

    so, yeah, I'm hung up on who I am.
  2. my sister's back. for good. which is a good thing but has huge downsides, both in the physical sense (I can't access my closet because her suitcases are in the way and my backache would kill a lesser man) and also in the shift in the atmosphere. we're all broodier, which means that reading more into actions and words is
    required and it's just a bad scene that I'd prefer to avoid if I didn't have to be there to make things run a little better. I've always been better at talking to/dealing with my sister (goes both ways) and so I've become the conduit through which my parents find out how she's doing, but it's taxing.
    I don't know if it's going to get any better; there's supposedly a move on the way, either at the end of june (midterms) or july (finals) which would alleviate some things, but also make other things a whole lot worse. It's also a very "boy who called wolf" scenario; they've said it enough times that I don't know if I can believe it, or if I can let myself get let down again.
  3. Each job has its ups and downs, but I think I'm leaving one of them at the end of the summer; it's the least pay and the most dissatisfaction. Four was a bad idea, driven by my previously mentioned urge to be at home as little as possible both because I hate the space and not my family but what living in a space entirely too small has done to us.
    Rob Cross called me a masochist for doing it and maybe he's right.

It's the combination of the four that's doing me in. I know it'll pass and working through it will only make it faster, but it's difficult.

Writing this out was surprisingly helpful, too.


Quinn said...

i really dont have any succinct advice... cause im really not good at advice...

i am curious however:
how do you make cuts on blogger?

Quinn said...

wait.. scratch that.. i didnt realize you had links on everything.. i understand now.

Gerald said...

that's not supposed to happen.


Anonymous said...

*big hugs*

Anonymous said...

My gosh Gerald, this is some pretty serious stuff that I really can't even venture to wrap my head fully around.

BUT - as for your question who do I screw?

I've developed a pretty good sense of who I consider a genuine friend, and the rest of them can all go and f*ck themselves. Hence being bitchy to people who I don't think will contribute in any way to my life.

Princess Gina

Anonymous said...

I think it's more of a 1/5 life crisis, what with medical technology and modern lifestyles advancing as they are.

Dr. Phil says: If you're feeling down just reenact your life using hilarious hand puppets. If that fails, hugs and throwing candy are good too.

...maybe you and Spencer could relive your first date, like they did in the parent trap. That movie was awesome, and the girl from the original went on to be Miss. Bliss in the hit teen comdey Saved by the Bell.
We got your back, bro!